yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
Randomize
