How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
Randomize
