Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
Is it bad that I voted for Scott Brown because I want to fuck him?
Nah. I did too.
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
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