Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
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