You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
Randomize
