Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
sarcasm needs its own font
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
