sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
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