If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
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