I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
I totally understand Scottish logic. No underwear+skirt=great
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
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