Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
Well I just put wine in my tea
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
Randomize
