I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
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