well you can't waste a boner
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
Randomize
