My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
