Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
What changed your mind?
Being sober
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Randomize
