1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
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