Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
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