Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
Randomize
