Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
Randomize
