I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
Green mimosas i think yes
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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