fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Randomize
