what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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