I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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