Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
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