Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
