I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
