I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
Randomize
