i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
Randomize
