did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
Randomize
