You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
Yes, I fucked her, no she wasn't that loose, yes she caused more drama than a 14 year old girl
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
Randomize
