He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
