Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
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