Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
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