Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
i just want his dick, seriously i'm about to take trifiling lessons. we'll call my alter-ego blair and she will screw his brains out, girlfriend or not.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
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