I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
Randomize
