I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
Spencer Pratt, I WILL beat the shit out of you someday, I Promise
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
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