I just cut my nipple shaving
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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