I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
