tonight lets celebrate not being married
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
In my opinion the party was fun, but i did A LOT of cocaine so my view was a little distorted......
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
Randomize
