Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
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