he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
Idk if I want to put a bra on
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