2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
