Awesome. Ask her out.
Nope. She's got a detail of ed hardy security around her.
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Randomize
