I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
He looked way older than 15. He probably thought that since I have braces I was 15. Fuck. The 6 year age gap is never to be spoken about. Especially because what happened constitutes as illegal.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
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