peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
