So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Randomize
