How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
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