I need to stop coming to work sober
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
