My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
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