Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
Randomize
