how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
The way white people respond to them, you'd think Journey was the president of Caucasia.
I just heard a girl say "We can't go that way, it is a one way street." She was on foot...Nothing worse than girl from the midwest that move to NY to "live out their dream" -the dream of living in a rat and roach infested 200sqft for $2k a month, and get fucked by some recent Ithaca college frat grad...
No, I'm a firm believer in "Swallow or it isn't love."
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Randomize
